Umm I'm too high to move.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
