I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I think I just sharted jello shots
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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