I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
