I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize