you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
