I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
