I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
