This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
