so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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