May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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