yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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