The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your penis caused this!
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