On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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