I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
