She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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