sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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