The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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