Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
