You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
