Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
