Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
is wine microwaveable?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
