im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
