I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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