Swine flu is the new snow day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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