During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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