why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So. Much. Porn.
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