my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
