Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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