So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
