He uses pillows to masturbate.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
