Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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