Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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