Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
