When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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