I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
