you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hippo gnu deer
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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