He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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