Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
