Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
