With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize