the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
