How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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