I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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