dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
