im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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