If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
