If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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