Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
