My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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