I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
