Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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