and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
