What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
